Billy Graham's wife, Ruth, was asked if she ever consider divorce.

She answered, “No, never divorce. Murder, yes. Divorce, No!”

Well, what was she saying? She's telling us that even marriage to Billy Graham was difficult! Because it is. You see, although marriage was created before sin entered the world, and then marriage was declared "very good," in this fallen world there can be stress between a husband and wife. There can be hostility between a husband and wife. There can be betrayal of a husband or a wife.

And sometimes there is divorce.

Some of us have experienced the trauma of divorce. Some of us are children of divorced families. It's always hard and painful.

This is a tough subject to discuss: John Stott says "There is almost no unhappiness so poignant as the unhappiness of an unhappy marriage, and almost no tragedy so great as the degeneration of what God meant for love and fulfillment into a non-relationship of bitterness, discord and despair."

I would agree with him.

What do I say to people whose marital relationship has become so unhappy that they are considering divorce, and they have now come for counsel? Well, there is so much to say. But let me quote John Stott again:

“Speaking personally as a Christian pastor, whenever somebody asks to speak with me about divorce, I have now for some years steadfastly refused to do so. I have made the rule never to speak with anybody about divorce, until I have first spoken with him (or her) about two other subjects, namely marriage and reconciliation. Sometimes a discussion on these topics makes a discussion of the other unnecessary. At the very least, it is only when a person has understood and accepted God's view of marriage and God's call to reconciliation that a possible context has been created within which one may regretfully go on to talk about divorce. This principle of pastoral priorities is, I believe, consistent with the teachings of Jesus.”

Where is it consistent with the teaching of Jesus? It’s fascinating. In Matthew 19:3 we read, “And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?”

I think his answer is brilliant. Before he talks about divorce, his reply is “not a reply.” He says, essentially,“Let me talk to you about marriage, first.”

“Haven’t you read…” Read what? The Bible. Back to the Bible. And in this case, back to Genesis 1 and 2 where he reviews with them the ORIGIN of marriage and the NATURE of marriage. Where did marriage come from? Who is in it? What is it all about?

We find that he emphasizes several things that every Christian should know and teach their children about:

– The origin of marriage: it’s instituted by God, in the garden of Eden, before there was any evil in the world, and that it’s good.

– He talks about the participants in marriage. A male and a female. A man and a woman who leave their parents and cleave together and enter into a “covenant of companionship.”

– What is the result? The result is that this man and this woman become one. It’s so beautiful. They are bound together to live “face-to-face” in intimacy – emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy to bless each other. Then the Bible goes on to say that this exquisite relationship becomes the picture of Christ and the church – in Ephesians 5:25 marriage is depicted as the fundamental unit of human relations which pictures the love that Jesus has for his church, where he “loved her and gave himself for her.” How did he love her? With a deep affection and then “giving himself up sacrificially.” Where? At the cross where he lays down his life for our benefit for the forgiveness of sins. You see, in the marriage relationship we picture this exquisite love between a husband who loves sacrificially and constructively and constantly – and this wife who is like the church who honors, blesses and partners with her husband – as one flesh.

Is this what you understand about marriage? Is this what you are teaching your children about the nature of marriage?

If you do, then you understand why Jesus says, “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” It’s so beautiful. In this covenantal union of two becoming one there is to be faithfulness and permanence.

Then, and only then, is Jesus willing to talk about divorce. John Stott thinks that’s the right order. I do, too.

Musings from Pastor John, August 16 , Click to Email Pastor John

Click Below for Pastor Johns sermon from August 9, “Power to Forgive”